View Full Version : Jokes from John
johneva916
11-16-05, 07:13 PM
Hi all
The England Football Coach, Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question. Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.'
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a Sett? Is it...
a) badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?
Sven ponders for a while and says, "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50. "Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." Badger" and "Cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.
Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says, "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris. Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."
So Tarrant phones David Beckham.
"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".
"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"
"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.
"You sure, son?" says Sven.
"Definitely, boss. One hundred per cent. It's a badger. Definitely." "Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer.
" Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One Million Pounds!!"
Cue wild celebrations.
Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?" Oh... I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock"
Thanx John
Yeah. 'Murican humor is way better.
For example:
What's blue and sits in the corner?
Ominous Gamer
11-16-05, 10:23 PM
Yeah. 'Murican humor is way better.
For example:
What's blue and sits in the corner?
On a totally different note, I just noticed the "catch" of your avatar. :o
a democrat?
Close!
What's blue and sits in the corner?
A dead baby with a plastic bag on its head! :eek:
OK, what's green and sits in the corner?
same baby 2 weeks later :p how do you make a 9 year old girl cry twice?
you whipe your bloody dick with her favorite teddy bear.
Ah, that's better. Good ol' 'Murican humor :).
Stone Fox
11-17-05, 05:02 AM
1) What's blue and pisses people off in the morning?
2) What's square, grey and takes the piss?
3) What's Orange and blue and found at the bottom of swimming pools?
johneva916
11-17-05, 05:50 AM
Hi all
These are the things people actually said in US courts, taken down and published by court reporters - who suffered the torment of trying to keep straight faces while these exchanges were taking place. Some of these are excellent; don't miss the last one.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: ****************************** sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or The occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know anything about it until the next
morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception [of the baby] was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, ok? What school did
you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30 pm.
Q: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But the patient could still have been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes it is possible that he could have been alive and
practising law somewhere.
Thanx John
johneva916
11-17-05, 05:54 AM
Hi all
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do...do they have nuns in Alaska?" The Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few b lack nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?" To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colours, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"
Thanx John
Stone Fox
11-17-05, 07:28 AM
1) What's blue and pisses people off in the morning?
Cotdeath
2) What's square, grey and takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine
3) What's Orange and blue and found at the bottom of swimming pools?
A baby with deflated armbands.
lol. if you like sick jokes here it goes.
A man walks into a pharmacy with his 11 year old daughter and asks the pharmacist for birth control ******************************, the pharmacist aks who their for, the guy replies that their for his daughter. Stumbled the pharmacist asks him if she's sexually active, the guy replies "no she just lays there like her mother".
johneva916
11-17-05, 09:44 AM
Ha Ha Ha Ha
:D :D :D
Yes I like.
Thanx John
§hinoßi
11-17-05, 10:01 AM
Cotdeath
A kidney dialysis machine
A baby with deflated armbands.
abaddon we live in the US, what the hell is cotdeath?
And for #2. Im guessing take the piss is an English figure of speech? Or is it literally how im reading it?
P.S. - Whats black, white, and red all over?
A Zebras a.sshole, gahahaha
Stone Fox
11-17-05, 10:12 AM
abaddon we live in the US, what the hell is cotdeath?
And for #2. Im guessing take the piss is an English figure of speech? Or is it literally how im reading it?
P.S. - Whats black, white, and red all over?
A Zebras a.sshole, gahahaha
Cotdeath = SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) - babies dying in their sleep.
"Takes the piss" - is a very English phrase. I dunno what the American expression would be, maybe "taking the mickey"...
Alright,
Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
So they don't whistle on the way down.
BWAAAA Hhahaahahaha :D
Stone Fox
11-17-05, 11:37 AM
http://i21.photobucket.com/albums/b280/Abaddon001/enditol.jpg
§hinoßi
11-17-05, 12:21 PM
Lol!!!!....
still dont know what a mickey is though
Stone Fox
11-18-05, 06:57 AM
For f**ks sake. Americans. They steal a language and then can't even use it properly. *sighs*
Rudegar
11-18-05, 07:49 AM
""Takes the piss" - is a very English phrase. I dunno what the American expression would be, maybe "taking the mickey"..."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Take_the_mickey
both expressions are british so i dont it's much help
Stone Fox
11-18-05, 09:10 AM
Ooops.
My bad.
That is a very english joke.
For f**ks sake. Americans. They steal a language and then can't even use it properly. *sighs*
Kinda like how the toothbrush was your invention and you still don't know how to use it properly? :)
yahooadam
11-18-05, 12:47 PM
taking the piss is somthing like joking
its hard to describe
i liked how "things are a bit sticky" in american means its bad but well get thru
and in english it means the ************************s hitting the fan ;)
§hinoßi
11-18-05, 04:16 PM
Kinda like how the toothbrush was your invention and you still don't know how to use it properly? :)
....PWNED!!11!1!ONE11!ELEVEN!!
ADRAMELK
11-19-05, 04:38 PM
Kinda like how the toothbrush was your invention and you still don't know how to use it properly? :)
Toothbrush
Natural bristle brushes were invented by the ancient Chinese who made toothbrushes with bristles from the necks of cold climate pigs. French dentists were the first Europeans to promote the use of toothbrushes in the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries. William Addis of Clerkenwald, England, created the first mass-produced toothbrush. The first American to patent a toothbrush was H. N. Wadsworth and many American Companies began to mass-produce toothbrushes after 1885. The Pro-phy-lac-tic brush made by the Florence Manufacturing Company of Massachusetts is one example of an early American made toothbrush. The Florence Manufacturing Company was also the first to sell toothbrushes packaged in boxes. In 1938, DuPont manufactured the first nylon bristle toothbrushes.
Stone Fox
11-21-05, 04:13 AM
Kinda like how the toothbrush was your invention and you still don't know how to use it properly? :)
Where the **** did you get that? I'd put money on the average state of teeth over here being better than the states - We get free dental care, and we're not a nation obsessed with fast food and eating ************************e...!
Toothbrush
Natural bristle brushes were invented by the ancient Chinese who made toothbrushes with bristles from the necks of cold climate pigs. French dentists were the first Europeans to promote the use of toothbrushes in the seventeenth and early eighteenth centuries. William Addis of Clerkenwald, England, created the first mass-produced toothbrush. The first American to patent a toothbrush was H. N. Wadsworth and many American Companies began to mass-produce toothbrushes after 1885. The Pro-phy-lac-tic brush made by the Florence Manufacturing Company of Massachusetts is one example of an early American made toothbrush. The Florence Manufacturing Company was also the first to sell toothbrushes packaged in boxes. In 1938, DuPont manufactured the first nylon bristle toothbrushes.
haahaha.
Owned.
Rudegar
11-21-05, 04:56 AM
heh i saw on the telly that when dental care started around here kids was told to brush with limestone powder
sure hope that was pre invention of real toothpaste :P
our dentalcare is not free for some odd reason
maybe so lazy people would not just let it hang loose
of cause a drillerkiller with his powerdrill should also advocate that
unless people would just stay away for good or handle it with their own dremmel :P
Stone Fox
11-21-05, 05:58 AM
http://www.little-gamers.com/comics/00001226.jpg
yahooadam
11-21-05, 07:33 AM
Where the **** did you get that? I'd put money on the average state of teeth over here being better than the states - We get free dental care, and we're not a nation obsessed with fast food and eating ************************e...!
thats what i though be anyway
i dont know where u get that american teeth are better then british
Anyway this is OFFTOPIC ! ;)
Rudegar
11-21-05, 08:09 AM
maybe this have something to do with it ?
http://www.actionfig.com/simpsons/db/data/1017725337_30181.jpg
Rudegar
11-21-05, 08:53 AM
not sure how the being a brit. funny % ratio pan out...
http://www.dogbomb.co.uk/go/link/00000381/
Stone Fox
11-21-05, 09:37 AM
not sure how the being a brit. funny % ratio pan out...
http://www.dogbomb.co.uk/go/link/00000381/
OMFG... That's funny. :D
Where the **** did you get that?
From looking at you snaggle-toothed brits.
haahaha. Owned.
...William Addis of Clerkenwald, England, created the first mass-produced toothbrush.
hahahahahaa owned.
yahooadam
11-21-05, 03:30 PM
OMFG... That's funny. :D
:D :D :D
Stone Fox
11-22-05, 04:48 AM
Can we have less *****ing between the dentally superior brits and the mentally inferior yanks in here, and more jokes :D
Lets have some blonde jokes:
What do you call a blonde with a balloon?
-Twins
What do you call two blondes stood ear to ear?
-A wind tunnel
What's a blondes idea of safe sex?
-Locking the car door
Why does a blonde buy a car with a sunroof?
-Leg room
What is the perfect job for a blonde?
-Proofreader in an M&M factory, once you've trained her not to throw the W's away!
Why are Blondes like KFC?
-Once you're done with the leg & breast you've got a greasy bucket to put your bone in...!
Btw, about the remark up top - just teasing.
yahooadam
11-22-05, 06:47 AM
how do u know a blondes having a bad day ?
when she cant find her pencil and she has a tampon stuck behind her ear
How do you know a blondes used a computer ?
tipex on the screen
how do you know when another blonde used the computer ?
writing on the tipex
Well ive been reading these funny online forum jerry springer type fights so though i would add some dirty jokes, hope none of you all dont mind semi racist jokes, im not racist...
You go up to a girl and say, "you have a donkey and I have a rooster, what happends when your donkey eats my roosters two legs"? she says dont know... then you say "Two feet of my c*ck up your ass".
Whats a bunch of little black kids hanging in a tree in alabama....Southern Windchimes
What the differenece between dead black guy and a dead possum.....There are swerve marks in front of the possum.
What the difference between a black guy and a bucket of shi*?..... the bucket.
Whats the difference between a jew and a pizza in a oven....the pizza doesnt screem.
Were does a jew sit in a car?..... in the ash tray.
Sorry if I offended anyone, I know more but i dont want to piss anymore people off, unless these are good, I can send more ;) , but i know these kind of jokes can be offensive, just like that poor Brit flipped ************************, GO U.S.
IM NOT RACIST, just to clarify :p
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